Existential Crisis | Turning 30

Inside My Head, Looks | September 30, 2017 | By

20-25-27-29-!

I am turning 30 in a few days, and I haven’t done most of the things on my list. Damn I don’t even have THE LIST. I must be a lost soul, just like each one of us struggling to find a path that I can call my own. But following in everyone’s footsteps.

Am I at the right job? Am I with the right person? Where am I going? Is the world safe? Am I happy and do I keep my friends and family happy? What the f**k am I doing?

I have been so consumed with the stress of turning 30 that I actually forgot to live for the past few months. I kept saying to myself and my friends that I am stressed, I think I over-killed my brains with stress hormones just by thinking about it.  

  • Am I an adult when I am 30? To this I thought, I don’t think I’ll be anymore wiser than what I was when I was 29.
  • Is 30 just a number? To this I thought that 30 does seem like a century of decades but does age really matter.
  • Will my life be better when I am 30? Hell, I don’t think so. I think if I let my brain think this, my life will never be better. Truth is that one’s life can only be as good as the decisions they make, as good as the kindness they show.
  • Will I know the direction my life is taking when I am 30? To this I thought, do we really every know life for certain and aren’t we all always directionless.
  • Shouldn’t I have been married by 30? To this I thought, well yea. It’s great to be in love but to be loved back is grander. The first time I talk about this on my blog and I will tell you, I love my person, and I’m so happy we have made it to where we are right now. But now? 

’30 is a pivotal year,’ says clinical psychologist Dr Jessamy Hibberd. ‘Many women have an idea of what 30 looks like; when you’re younger, you often imagine that you will know what you’re doing, that you are in a job that means something to you and have met your partner, or had or are ready to have children.’

In our Indian society many people do have things worked out at this age. I am not one of them. I am still lost, consumed by the above questions. I don’t know if I have found my partner, I don’t know if I want children, I am not at a fashion job full time. Back-pain is becoming a thing I live with every day. I feel trapped, yet I feel exuberated. I am pretty much like Rachel, from friends on her 30th b’day.

Well, I am kidding. I don’t really have any of the above questions, I was just trapping your emotions! Happiness exists only in our minds and I live by this conviction every day.

Maybe!

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